5 years...

Dear Joshua,

It’s been 5 years since you left this earth. This year you would’ve been 17, that’s sometimes really hard to wrap my mind around. You missed so much yet I remain here because of you and your parents. I imagine you would be going into your senior year of high school. I think about all the firsts you have missed in the last 5 years; your first big Homecoming dance, your first kiss, your first time driving a car, and maybe your first job. I imagine you would be deciding your next step as you get ready to enter “adulthood”- what college should I attend ? What career do I want? Where will life take me?

But you never got to ask those questions or experience those firsts, your life was cut too short on that sunny crisp fall day 5 years ago in October. And that’s when you came into my life and became a part of me...I will never forget that day. At just 12 years old you breathed your last breath and then through a miracle you breathed life back into my failing tired body. That’s remarkable Joshua, you saved me. Did you ever think in your short 12 years on this earth that you would save others ?  What a hero you are!

I will never take your lungs for granted Joshua, I promise you that. It’s really hard sometimes Joshua and some do not understand the magnitude of your gift- the gift of life.  But I understand it and as we breathe together I will forever recognize you and your lungs allowing me to take a deep breath, to talk without gasping, and to live without struggling for air.

Your momma and family must be so sad without you but I hope they will find a little peace knowing I’m working really hard to keep us going. I will honor your gift every day, every hour, every minute until we take our last breath together. I will help you experience things that you were unable to do in those 12 short years you were here on earth.

Do you know I have a celebration every year for you? It’s a celebration of life, a time to celebrate our breathing together, and a time to give thanks. But within the celebration of surviving another year, I feel such sadness for you and your family.  I know life is precious but still some do not understand that. Life isn’t about rushing around, or worrying about every little detail, or stressing about work and extracurricular activities ——- it’s about being present, appreciating your surroundings, loving one another, and living each day like it’s your last. I get out of bed each day and thank God for what he has done for us and attempt to live life with a purpose- all because of you- a boy I’ve never met, a boy that didn’t get to become a teenager or a man. A boy who didn’t get to experience all of life’s roller coaster ride of triumphs and devastation. A boy whose physical body is gone yet remains in me breathing in and out for me. A boy gone too soon.

Life is so precious Joshua and in an instant it can vanish. I guess that may sound cliche but the reality it’s true and I want people to realize - don’t sweat the small stuff, be grateful, be kind, and BREATHE!

Thank you Joshua. Thank you to your mom, dad, and family that want nothing more to hug you, talk to you, and be with you again. Let’s keep doing life together, breathing in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out........................................................................................................................................
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2 years

Wow!! It's been 2 years since my transplant! And it's been a bit over 6 months since my last blog; that wasn't deliberate but my first year update blog took a lot out of me. I still can't go back to that blog post-- it's too hard to relive.  And what I'm about to discuss is also intensely personal and difficult to put out there.
When a transplant patient makes it to their anniversary date it is a big accomplishment especially for lungs (highest failure rate of any organ).  It's natural to think back to the day you received the call, the surgery, and for me all the setbacks I had. I remember the day as if it just happened, even as I'm sitting here in Madison awaiting to go to my appointments the weather is exactly the same as it was 2 years ago.  Eerily the same... the sun is shining, the air is crisp yet warm, a slight breeze.  Isn't it amazing how some things trigger our memory? Last year the weather was also exactly the same, I know the Mighty One continues to watch over me and perhaps the weather is a way to remind me He is always present through the good and bad.  Perhaps it also is a sign from my guardian angel who happened to lose his life on this day to save mine.
My guardian angel is a 12 year old boy whose parents graciously allowed him to live in others.  And I am one of those blessed others. I never expected to hear from my donors family, it's just not something that happens in most cases.  The videos I share on my page or what TV shows is not the norm.  I received my letter on my 1 year lungaversary and when I saw a picture of my guardian angel and learned he was only 12, I was stunned.  When I was on the list awaiting my call I prayed for healthy lungs, a child's lungs were never in my thought process. I knew it happened but never thought that it would happen with me.
My guardian angel is named Josh and his father was gracious enough to send me a letter about Josh and who Josh was a person. Josh was an active 12 year old boy who was a Boy Scout, loved to be outdoors, was inventive, and loved his dogs. (Josh had a dog named Snoopy and so do we)

I've been asked if some of my habits have changed since transplant (there has been research regarding recipients taking on new mannerisms/liking new foods that prior to transplant they didn't, and developing new talents from donated organs due to unique cells/DNA that come with transplanted organs). As a recipient you are not told anything about your donor-- and believe me I tried to question/break all the transplant team down. However I knew that my donor was male; I don't know how I just did.  I've also noticed after transplant I like cheese much more, I'm the weirdo that would peel cheese off of pizza and now I don't. I'm not inventive like Josh however I was a Girl Scout.

As I awoke this morning I thought of Josh and his family and how they gave the ultimate gift of life. Today has a different meaning for them; hug your children a little tighter, be a bit kinder to one another, and live life for there are no guarantees in this roller coaster of life.

RIP Josh -my guardian angel; I will make you proud.


LIVE LIFE     LOVE LIFE    GIVE LIFE

How to save a life...

It's really simple...sign up to be an organ donor! Www.giftoflifemichigan.org or www.organ donor.gov

I never get tired of seeing programs about organ donation and the process. I just watched NY Med ( thx Kelly) and a young man was waiting for a heart transplant. He got the call and he seemed so calm and him mom was freaking out.  The heart was in ice for 6.5 hrs which is a bit long and his new heart had to be shocked many times but it started!

The mother said the waiting is a very unnatural way to live and she's right.  I just want to be free- free to breathe, free to run, free to travel, free to eat whatever I want , I want to be free.

There have been a few misconceptions about the transplant process, let's clear them up.

1. I do not know when my surgery is, this is something that is NOT scheduled.  I get my surgery when someone dies! There is no other way. That's heavy- I will have someone's lungs inside of me. I hope they like me ( I eat pretty healthy except for chocolate ), I hope my internal body is welcoming as it will be seen as a foreign invader and my body goes on attack mode.  This is why I'm given so many immunosuppressive meds.  Acute rejection is pretty common in first few yrs, it's the long term rejection that is a MAJOR problem - I will then have another type of BO-chronic rejection BO.
2. I do not know when the call will come- wouldn't that be nice tho?  I could make sure I was clean and spiffy before my chest is ripped open.
I have a feeling the call will come in the middle of the night or when I'm seeing patients at work. Chaos will surely ensue.

3. Lungs are hard to come by- most motor vehicle accidents that cause death also cause chest trauma.
4. Transplant is NOT a cure. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=W7xocblW6mI